It is strange how life goes on after a loved one dies. I used to think that if someone very close to me dies that the world would come to a standstill and there would be a whole lot of nothingness. This whole experience to me is odd in that my husband’s father passes away, we mourn, we bury him, and now we are supposed to continue on with our lives as we did before. It just doesn’t seem right. I don’t know how my husband, his siblings, or his mother are doing it. I have a difficult time with it and he wasn’t my biological father.
I worry about the day when I get the awful news that my father is gone. I hope it is a long way away and not something I will need to worry about for a good long while. Still, he is very sick. I hope and pray that this cancer will shrink and go into remission and that I will have him around for a good while longer. I feel guilty because I live so far away from him. I miss him terribly, but I cannot live in the area where the family lives. There are too many triggers there. It causes my system to get stirred up and I feel so detached as others in the system take over. I mean, don’t get me wrong, that still happens where I live now, but I am more coconscious, I guess, with those who are around most of the time where I live now. Being in the area where the family lives, brings others in the system out who I am not as coconscious with. It is disturbing. I feel guilty that I don’t live near dad and that I haven’t been up to visit very often. I cried about this to a good friend a few weeks ago to which she brought up a good point. She asked me how many times did he come to visit me in the 10 years that I have lived here? I said, “none’”. She said, “Exactly.” He could have come and seen me just as much as I could’ve gone to see him and at least I did make trips up there when I was financially able to. I am actually paraphrasing as I can’t remember the exact wording, but that was the gist.
A coworker has been acting odd the past two weeks at work. I know that when I am not there and am unable to get a sub (I work in a school setting), that it makes her job harder as she has to cover one of my classes on her planning period. It would be the same if she were out and unable to get a sub, I would cover for her. Our team works well together, or at least used to until this person seems to have gotten a bug up her butt about something. I talk about it this way because it helps to be angry about it and distanced rather than distressed and guilt-ridden about something that I cannot do anything about. It is what it is. I am coming to really like that saying because it fits everything lately so well. Anyway, I know that she is upset with me about SOMEthing because every time it is just her and me in our office, she doesn’t speak to me. This is unlike her as all school year she has welcomed the opportunity to sit and chat and/or talk about work related things. She is also more easily offended lately. I talked about this with my friend and coworker, Ga, that also works with her, and she has noticed the difference. This helps me to know that it isn’t just my perception of things due to all that I have been going through. I told my friend Ga that I just don’t have the energy to worry or fret over this. It does bother me, but I have so much bigger things in my life to give that energy to. She agreed that it does little good to worry about what is bothering the other coworker. We both wish she would just come out and talk about it, although if it is something we cannot change like the work situation when one of us it absent, then there will be nothing we can do. Perhaps this is why she doesn’t talk about it. ::sighs:: I just don’t know.
I did notice that we are handling this differently than we have in the past with folks at work. Before, we would take ALL blame and responsibility for someone else’s feelings whether it was justified or not and would try to talk to them and apologize for “whatever” I did that upset them. I think it is progress that I am not doing that this time. I recognize that I have not done anything knowingly, at least, to offend her and have no reason to grovel. I am not responsible for her feelings even though her feelings affect the way she acts around me and I end up feeling quite uncomfortable. That part sucks, but honestly, I don’t think there is anything I can do about it, right? I have way to much happening in my life for additional drama. I also told my friend Ga that “I am out of the people pleasing business. I was in it for years and went (emotionally) bankrupt. It is so not worth it.” She totally agreed. When I shared this with the other coworker, she seemed disturbed by it and said that she wouldn’t go to the other extreme. I explained to her that of course I believe in being fair in all things as long as fairness is possible, but I am not going to stress over other people’s happiness to the extreme that I feel responsible for it. Actually that isn’t exactly what I said to her. What I just wrote sounds better than what I said to her. Wish I’d have thought of that line sooner. lol! Doesn’t it always happen that you think of a better thing to say or comeback after the fact? Oh well. <smiles>
We took kids on a field trip last week to see a fine arts performance. There were middle school and high school aged kids filing into the auditorium. It felt surreal to me as I watched the high school kids file in. I noticed one girl the way she walked and the fitted dress she wore, kind of proper in a way….the style about her and her clothes reminded me of me at that age. Then, I looked over to the right and saw a girl wearing a light sunny type dress with a full skirt and a flower in her hair who was flitting about and giving someone a hug. I thought to myself that girl reminds me of me, too. Their styles and personalities were so different. I was glad that I was aware of my system of alters so that I didn’t get too confused over this. Then, I started to wonder which one of us each of these girls reminded me of. I definitely know them well, but I am not sure who they are, at least the first one. The second girl could be Christie who I came to know after college. It is quite possible that she was around in high school and I just didn’t realize it. There was a lot of division amongst my parts in high school and different parts having different times out. Different groups of me had different groups of friends in high school. I remember one summer at church camp there was a girl who one day I noticed was hanging around me. We are still friends to this day, but I have no memory of us actually meeting and becoming friends. Ironically, she has a sister who also has DID and was diagnosed after I was, but as far as I know my friend does not accept it. Back in the day, I tried to talk to her some about the diagnosis and what it all meant, but didn’t get very far. So, sadly, she is not one with whom I can safely share this information about myself while maintaining the friendship. It is okay, though. I have many precious friends with whom I am able to share all of myselves (or a great many of mes) with.
As you can see, there is so much going through my mind lately and sticking to one subject in this post was just not possible. This is the life I live. It is what it is.