Time of Year sucks

The dreams are getting worse. Typical weird nightmarish dreams that we start to have this time of year. I rarely can remember them when I wake, but I feel scared and uneasy. Last night, I heard my name called from a distance, the body name. I know it was a dream cuz I woke and my husband was lying right next to me asleep.

I’ve tried real hard to make this time of year better for me and in many ways it has. It was during the month of October that James and I started to date. I have tried to change my outlook and do things that make it a more positive time of year for me/us. But, still, the fitful nights and awful nightmares and feelings we get are still around. Ugh 😦

We are going to my sister’s wedding next week. It really super sucks cuz we are flying up there on Oct 31st. The wedding is Nov. 1st. We fly home the next morning. I thought the time of year wouldn’t too badly effect my going up there and experience and all, but talked to the mom the other night and she told me of the many, many people from her side of the family that are coming. Talk about childhood fears all over again. Being around all those same people in the same place is just like when I was a kid (except the worst perp will not be there cuz he’s no longer a part of the family). Our system is freaking out pretty badly over it, but I am trying to keep a positive outlook as much as possible. I am going there for my sister and to see both of my sisters. That is the main and most important thing.

Still, anxiety levels are sky high and the dreams continue to get worse….. As the date gets closer to go, I am getting these urges from inside to change the hair even more drastically than ever before which is extremely drastic and would ruin the hair. It’s not the controlled feeling that it’s time to dye the hair a different color or whatever. This is a frantic, out-of-control, panicked almost feeling to dye the hair all black and cut it really short. Someone inside has even said to shave it all off. Now, I think I understand a little bit better how Britney Spears was feeling when she did that. Trying to stay in control of keeping my hair as it is and not doing anything crazy. There is just such panic and I’m not sure I understand all of the reasons why….well I know I don’t understand all of it.

Just trying to get by. Hopefully it will all be better soon.


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