Life lately has felt like it’s going downhill. Well, I shouldn’t say “life” cuz most all aspects of my life are wonderful. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and accepts all of my parts and we have so much fun together. I guess I should say that I feel that “I” am going downhill. I don’t know what is wrong with my system or what system-shift or change has been taking place, but lately things have just felt WRONG. You know that song, “I Feel Pretty” from that musical? Well, I have the song in my head, but instead I have the words “I Feel Stupid”. I have always been rather intelligent and within our system we do have varying levels of intelligence, but the past 3 or 4 months it has been gradually getting worse and worse to where I am asking where is anyone in here that is intelligent??? Anyone who can think straight? Anyone who can say something that is true and not confused?
At work, I have usually felt quite competent and good at my job. I know what my role is and I know what I do and I am good at it. Until this school year…… Now, I question everything. I say something that I believe to be true and one of my coworkers will say something that will contradict it and after thinking it over I realize they are right. What is happening to my system that has worked so well together in the past???? Are we finally doing what I have feared all of these years and finally actually falling apart?
I find myselves dissociating ALL of the time. Hah. It sounds funny for someone with DID to say that as a complaint cuz isn’t that what we DIDers do, dissociate? I mean, I find myself floating off and then not having any idea who will come and take my place or where I will end up. Maybe this is how many DIDers experience things. I know when I am at my worst functioning place, this is how we get. We have always been a high functioning multiple and have had someone in charge inside on who goes out when and all that. This loss of control is extremely distressing to me/us. When we get off of work and go to drive home…..as soon as I get into my car I feel myself start to drift to who knows where. I pick up my phone and call my husband (this scenerio happens a whole lot) and we talk all the way home. I only live 10 minutes drive at the most from my work so it’s not like under ordinary circumstances this would be a necessary thing. But, as I realized yesterday, the reason I do it is because I need his voice to help me stay grounded, to keep me from floating away and another part come out and I end up at some park or someplace all the way across the city. His voice keeps me grounded and helps me stay focused on the task at hand, to get home. I noticed yesterday as soon as I was home and put the car in park and pulled the keys, a small girl came out and told my husband that we were home now and would be right in. She felt safe, too, cuz we had made it home and came right out as soon as we were home.
So, I guess in this moment of clarity, I’m able to write about what we are struggling with. I have self-harmers looking and waiting for a chance to sneak out and hurt the body. I have inside kids who are expressing the strangest thoughts that are scaring them that I am sure are connected to childhood traumas they endured. Those are the only two things right now that I can think of (as I am at work and no longer alone in the office and folks are talking off and on to me…..switchy). There is lots of dissociation, working jigsaw puzzles, getting lost in the shapes and colors and designs. That worked for a while until the kids I mentioned a minute ago started seeing triggering things in the puzzles and getting upset (the puzzles themselves are innocent, but in a traumatized child’s mind, they can see anything). So, I’m being choosier about the puzzles we do. We can’t communicate with others very well because we are too floaty, but we have been trying to reach out as best we can cuz I know we need that as much as we are able.
I’m seriously considering going inpatient at Timberlawn in Dallas this summer and doing some intense therapy work. I think maybe my system is trying to tell me it is time. I feel like we need to go, but I’m torn too cuz I’ll be there 3 hours away from my husband who is my safe person and that makes my inside kids and others so upset that they want to cry. Still, it may be the best thing for us….. Unless we can find something here in the city that would be good for us.