So, next week in T we are going to talk about our fears throughout our lifetime that have a common theme. Starting as a child, we feared that the uncle had made us pregnant. We worried about it all the time, though we were too young to be pregnant as we had not started our monthly cycles and all that. Still, too young to understand all of that. Then, there was the constant worries that the uncle had given us an STD. All through our 20’s we were worried that maybe he had given us AIDS and since it can take years to show up, we could still have it and not know. We had no knowledge if the uncle had AIDS, but just knew that he was a real sexual deviant and anything was possible. We were also scared that we would get Cancer and die. The Cancer fear is still with us today. There is no foundation for it, no one in our family has died from Cancer or anything.
Did some thinking about it and realize that all of those things are connected, like feel like or are the end of our life. The diseases we fear(ed) getting were life threatening. T asked us what message stands out to us and I said “There is something wrong with us and we are gonna die.” That is the overall feeling connected to these disease fears.
Thinking logically I think I can work through this. But, recovering from trauma isn’t all about logic and brain power, it is also about feeling and body memory stuffs and other stuffs, as well.
“There is something wrong with us and we are gonna die.” We have always felt this. I’m sure there are a great many reasons why. The uncle and aunt abused us sexually and spiritually. The mother was violent and abusive in other ways, too. And other non-healthy members of the family also had their hand in our abuse. So, one would gather from all that awful treatment from people who are supposed to be your family and love you that it must mean you are bad and something is wrong with you. I know this is ingrained in us.
The part about “and we are gonna die.” I imagine while the abuses were happening to us especially as a small child we really felt like we were gonna die. The pain must have been so great, physically and emotionally, that we must have been sure that death was near.
Perhaps this is why we have always felt like something terrible was destined to happen to us that would finally take our life. I know that we have insiders such as Stephanie who always seek to end the life. She does so out of pain because she holds so much of it. She tries to take matters into her own hands…meanwhile the others fear some disease or something is going to come and take us away.
We don’t want to die. Life is finally getting good, getting rich. We want to stay and enjoy and not fear what may or may not be out there to get us. I realize that the fear of Cancer and other diseases that are life threatening are more a response to our having endured abuse. Logically I can see that now, tho barely. The realization is still distant. We are going to do EMDR work on this on Tuesday because we seem to respond well to that type of therapy.