A letter to a lost loved one

Dear Aunt Mar,

I call you by the name you were to me from a small child. I love you Aunt Mar and I miss you so much. I know that we probably won’t ever be able to be in touch again and that saddens me more than you could ever imagine. Maybe you can because I know you loved me all my life until the terrible falling out. Maybe, just maybe, you miss me, too?

I should have never taken the job working for you in Texas. I am so glad it brought me to Texas because this is where I wanted to live again, but at the cost of losing you – my favorite aunt and one of the most important people to me, I am not sure of that decision. When we moved down here, it was for 2 main reasons, to be closer to the person I adored and get reacquainted and know what the love of a family can mean and second to help remodel and fix up the apartments/home for and with you. I had no idea the second one was going to mess up everything that had to do with the first one. You accused me of some pretty awful things in the end – of not working hard enough on the job, of purposely working slower to take advantage of living rent free – of being a “people user” I guess basically – and other things I cannot think of right now. You have no idea how badly you hurt me. I wanted to die then more than all the other times in my life because the one person I loved and trusted so much deep in my soul – all my inside kids who held the hope – turned on me and said some extremely nasty and hateful things to me.

I shook all over every time I had to get my friend to read your emails to me. That’s right, I wasn’t even able to sit at the computer and read them because I would shake right out of the chair and onto the floor with fear and grief. I tried and worked my best when I was there on the job considering my circumstances. You knew I had DID (and many of the reasons why) and that I struggled with depression, but it did not help in your anger with me. I worry that maybe I didn’t work fast enough, but close friends who I talked to during the jobs were impressed at how quickly things were coming together and how fast the first apartment and then the 2nd rented out. So, based on their judgement and my own knowing I did work very hard – just not the 8 to 4 hours you probably would have picked for me to work – I know that you expected perfection and well I never ever claim to be perfect. I remember when we talked about the job possibility online, you asked me to be sure because you could be quite a taskmaster (I don’t remember your exact words). I still wanted to come and to do it because I could never have imagined you being as cruel as you ended up being. I wish I had found another way to be close to you without being in a working relationship with you. Oh how I wish I could go back and change it all.

I know there were miscommunications during our work together. I know that I switched out quite a bit, but mostly because so many of us had missed their Aunt Mar so much they had to see you and be out around you. Then, partly it was us getting triggered out by your controllingness and strict way about you. I never thought of you as being that way. You were always kind and gentle to us…..something I only caught glimpses of when I lived next to you.

I loved you, Aunt Mar. You were always loving, always caring to me and I miss you so so much. It hurts me so much that we cannot be in touch anymore. I have sometimes toyed with the idea of trying to get back in touch, but I fear that would bring too much heartache because if you still hold as much hate and anger for me now as you did in the end, it would never work. Best to leave it alone. I almost didn’t survive the last time things blew up and don’t know if I could go through that again. But, I still cry because I miss you so much and I am so sorrowful at our relationship ending. There is a hole in me where you once were that cannot be filled.


Your eldest niece


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