So, been thinking a lot about our Aunt M – the one who seemed so good and supportive to us as a child growing up. Been even searching for her online, tho I highly doubted I’d find her. She is very intelligent when it comes to being online and not being found if she doesn’t want to be. To make matters more complicated, she had a sex change when I last saw her and was changing her name to a male name. Even tho I know what name she/he had chosen, I still cannot locate her/him. It’s all just as good. It would be too scary to be in contact again as she was so different and scary that last time I knew her.
Talked in T yesterday about what has been coming up for us lately on this topic. We talked about how the aunt we got to know as an adult was totally different than the one we remember growing up with. She did hint to us when we knew her back several years ago that she was also DID, but why didn’t she just come out and say it? I told her straightforward and I was learning about the whole transgender thing, also, to be supportive of her. The DID issue would not have been a big deal at all, only help us understand one another better. I think it was kind of an unspoken understanding, tho I am still a bit frustrated that she didn’t come out and just tell us.
In retrospect, the time that we had living next to her was nothing as we had ever anticipated and I am realizing that she even tried to trigger us on purpose many times. I am starting to wonder if she was really the safe aunt that we remembered her to be. Even tho we realize that she is living life as a male currently, I am going to primarily speak of her in the feminine pronoun since that is how most of my system knew her in our lifetime.
First, there was the shock factor. She was always bringing up things about her lifestyle as if trying to shock me. I used to shake my head in annoyance because evidently she thought of me as quite innocent/naive when I am/was not. She was into the S&M lifestyle very heavily and probably still is. She would bring up stuff about it and having parts in our system who are “into” that lifestyle, she did not shock us. She had “slaves” in her S&M lifestyle who would come over and do things for her like her laundry among other things. That was different (hadn’t heard of having them do chores for you), but okay to each their own. She tried to encourage us to borrow a slave or two of her’s which I declined. The one thing that didn’t shock us necessarily, but just we did not like at all is that she was into extreme S&M with people hanging from hooks in their skin (for kicks). That did make my skin crawl.
She told us that knowing what she knows of my past (she knows a lot about our abuse that we have yet to discover), that dark rooms are a very bad thing for me. Yet, the room that we lived in while living next door to her, had one wall which had been soundproofed and was all black making the room quite dark. Add to that, all of the S&M paraphernalia that she conveniently kept “forgetting” to get. She didn’t seem all that concerned about coming to get it. I think she wanted it to bring those parts of me closer. I shudder to think why that might be. It was difficult to stay in that room with all of those things as the majority of our system are not “into” that lifestyle. Finally our best friend and us took it all down off the wall and took it to her saying you forgot to get these.
She seemed to always push the envelope. Always trying to get me to do things that parts of us didn’t really want to do, too. I’m just not sure if she’s who we thought she was. Maybe losing her those years ago was a good thing because if I realize there is more to her in our abuse, then we will have already lost her and it would be somewhat easier…….. We have to stop writing now as this is getting insiders upset and we are getting the shakes again…..