When I was first diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, I wondered what my inside world looked like. I remember trying to look inside to see what I’d find, but all I could find was a long, dark tunnel. My artist drew a picture of the tunnel and when we can make it to a scanner, we will add it. We worked with our therapist on putting lights in the tunnel. I didn’t realize you could do that, but of course you can! As I added lights, I began to see doors and the tunnel seemed to be a hallway. Next step was to see what was behind the doors. This was where I began to meet insiders and get to know who made up my inside family.
Over time, we worked on building what things we needed for our world. Now, of course, there were some things already there, but to help with functionality of the system so that we could work together more easily, this was necessary. We built a meeting room. The first meeting room we built was kind of business like: a long cherry wood table with tall wooden chairs all along it. This was for the safety committee members who would meet and discuss safety concerns. There is a window in the meeting room looking into the children’s playroom that we also created. This was a special playroom for the kiddos to go to when we had meetings that needed to happen and those who are in charge of them need to be in the meeting. This way the kids can still be looked after even while we are taking care of business, so to speak.
The kids room is full of toys, a dollhouse, barbies, a large tv for watching movies and cartoons, another tv for playing video games, a little table and chairs with crayons and colorbooks, etc. The sky is the limit when making the inside world for your family. On the playroom side of the window, the kids don’t see a window but a pretty picture instead. They know that the “bigs” can see them though and it makes them feel safe.
Another piece of our inside world is a prayer room where Cassandra likes to go. Many others go there when they need to talk, cry, or just be held. This room was made carefully so as not to trigger or remind us of any of the bad religious triggers we have. It’s a comfortable room with comfortable soft lighting, soft music, kleenex, pillows, etc. Cassandra is a very good listener and is very caring so it is a good place to go and get support.
Cassandra is what the books would call an “inner self helper”. Therefore, she moves around the inside world frequently to be there for different ones of us. She has another place that she loves that is outdoors. She loves nature and this is kind of like a canopy, it’s hard to describe. She has sheer curtains on the sides of it that blow in the wind. It also has a very inviting feel to it. There are beautiful trees all around it.
After a few years, someone else in the system decided to make another meeting room so we had choices when it came to gathering 🙂 Since many of us like nature, this one was built out in the midst of trees and nature (not that trees aren’t nature, but you know what I mean). This is an all glass building. It’s like a glass dome. It was created like this so we could feel like we were outdoors, but have the comforts of being indoors like some couches, a kitchen area, coke machine (that is free), a round meeting table and comfy chairs.
Not too far away from the outdoor meeting building is a beautiful river with lush grass all around it. There is a large tree not too far from the river that lots of us love to go and sit next to while we watch and listen to the flowing water of the river. We love the sound of flowing water. It is very soothing.
The kids designed their own playground. It has just about anything you can imagine. I mostly remember the ice cream shaped plaything that I think has a slide coming out of it? I hear the kids inside giggling at me, but you notice they aren’t helping me with the details? (more giggling)
The artist has her own studio. It’s pretty cool with easels and lots of paints and stuff like that.
Not sure what else to say about the inside world. These are just a few key places in our world that we love and feel are important. We just got to thinking that folks might want to read something about the inner world of another DID’er especially when newly diagnosed. I know it was one of the things I was most curious about and at first I didn’t realize that we could modify anything we wanted cuz it was OUR WORLD! :O)
I remember at the beginning how scary it was and how much I didn’t know about the insiders and how little I knew about the inside world. Our inside world is vast and there are a great many parts to it. Some of it has been there since the beginning and some of it we have added to make things more manageable. I know just as there are still parts of us that I do not know, there are still parts of our inner world that I don’t know, yet. I know OF a castle, but have never been myself. I highly suspect that we have another layer under this one because some of the parts I feel around are not from this layer of the world I speak of in this post. That is yet to be discovered. Until then, I will just wait and see what I “notice” as my T says 🙂