Well, went to the Group therapy session again last night. It was the first time since we went and were triggered by the bed/table that was in the room (see part 1). I was quite dismayed that the table was still there when I entered the room last night. My T had talked to one of the T’s running the group (that she knows quite well) and was under the impression that they were going to take it down before Group the next time.
I am too ill at the moment from everything to write about all that happened, but I did try to explain to the group as a whole how the trigger affected us. I had tears in my eyes for the first little while and then someone came out who hid their face and sobbed. They were out very briefly and went back inside. I regained my composure but was VERY uncomfortable. I could not look in the direction of the table/bed and sat in a rigid manner due to fear. The T whose office it was and who was the one who left the table up, tried to explain the table and energy work to me to help us feel better about the table and see the difference between it and the internal stuff going on. It did not work. I get the whole energy work thing and it isn’t remotely what has us triggered. It’s the sight of that table/bed and what it triggers in our mind. It is an unprocessed memory that until just two weeks ago I had thought was just a terrible, terrible dream. Now, I know that it wasn’t just a dream.
I felt invalidated and felt that my feelings were not important to this therapist. She mentioned about how difficult it is to take the table down before each Group session (we meet bi-weekly) and how much easier it is to leave it up. This made me feel like an inconvenience and unworthy of feeling safe in a therapeutic situation. Hell, just writing this makes us feel like shit because we feel bad talking about people like this. But, we are speaking our truth. I just don’t know how I can continue to work in that group with such a huge trigger that will leave me ungrounded. I met with my T today and developed a plan to try to resolve this with the Group Ts.
I noticed last night that we started having feelings of transference towards the T who left the table/bed up. We feel suspicious of her and fearful of her. We see her as one of our perps from long ago. The T asked if she could sit next to me last night and as much as I wanted to say NO, I could not. She sat next to us and I felt very uncomfortable and also unsafe when it came to her. I felt quite TRAPPED. The realization that we were having this transference reinforced to me that this memory has something to do with this particular perp and her husband. At the very least, I am getting some information.
Today, we have been exhausted at work and then after work we went to T. I noticed after T that the body would shake, especially the arms. I feel as if I am freezing and shaking. I also feel the older Madonna in my system very close. She dresses in all black, wears dark black eyeliner and makeup. She is quite somber. I am not sure what connections she has to all of this.
We did not sleep well last night as we dreamed all night. Thankfully I did not remember any of the dreams, but they did disrupt my sleep and so I am exhausted today. I hope we will be able to talk to these therapists and work this out before the next Group session.