Summer Crew and a DID Dream

My summer has been super busy, not busy at all, boring, exciting, a whirlwind. That statement makes sense when you realize it was written with someone who has DID and it’s the feelings of many “alters” inside.  The summer crew is still quite a mystery to me. For those just tuning in, my DID system is kind of divided into two systems. We have one that is our for part of Spring and then all of the Summertime. Then, we have the other group which I know a lot more about that is out during the Fall and Winter.  Oh and we have a few that go between both systems. We had a little bit more functional summer this year I believe because we had some parts from the Fall system stick around here and there to help keep things running smoothly. In the summertime, our schedule goes out the window. We don’t work summers and so therefore the summer crew has very little grasp on how to keep up with things like housework, meals, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. So, this summer they have had a little help with that. Still, it’s really hard because we don’t know the summer parts very well if at all. There are lots of them and they are like a blur when they run out to be in charge of the body and when they blur back in again. There is a LOT less communication in the summer crew compared to the Fall crew.

I did have an interesting dream a few nights ago. It is one of those that I recognize now as a “DID dream”. I dreamt that I was laying on my bed and at the far end of the room there were stairs leading up to the attic (it’s not really my room, but was in my dream). I remember in the dream being afraid of going up there, but I heard noises and was afraid someone was in the house. I remembered one time that my best friend went up there with me and helped me not to be so afraid of it. (Interesting cuz she was the one who was with us when we were diagnosed back in ’94 and has been so supportive).  Then, one by one, a pre-teen girl would slip down the stairs where I could see them. I was afraid at first but then I ran to them and asked them why they were in my attic. They didn’t answer. I told them that I would not tell their parents they were in my house without permission if they explained to me what was wrong. One girl started to cry at the mention of telling her parents. Started out there were 3, then, 4, then 5 girls. After a while, even more girls around the same age started coming down the stairs to let me know they were there.

So I think insiders are starting to reveal themselves to me slowly in their time. I remember one girl who really struck me, she had the prettiest strawberry hair.

Several years ago back early in my diagnosis, I would often have a dream of girls coming into my house while I was asleep or not there or whatever. The dream felt so real that in remembering it I had to really think if it really happened or not. It was a dream, but I see it as my insiders starting to reveal themselves to me. Dreams have always been a big part of how my system communicates with me.

The Summer Crew is back!!

I drove home from our DID support group tonight with mixed feelings. It was said tonight that the group will take a break for the summertime until they can find more people interested in joining. We are greatly saddened as our summer crew is getting in full swing again and feel we are going to greatly miss out. This was our (summer crew’s) third group since coming back and we felt most comfortable in sharing and relating to the other group members tonight. We are going to feel such a loss once group is (temporarily) over after the next meeting. We drove home with the radio blaring filling our ears and head with loud rock music. It feels a bit unfair. We are here now and excited to be able to interact with other multiples in real life, but now the group will be discontinued. It is only temporary, yes, but when it reconvenes we will likely be back inside for the fall/winter months. After expressing our concerns, the Ts in charge talked about trying to meet maybe once a month over the summer months. Well, at least that is something, anyway, and I am thankful for whatever we can get  :)

And thinking positively, this will give us a chance to work more intensely with our therapist. While we were participating in the group, we were just not able to afford seeing our T every week and be able to pay for Group, also. We heard from our T today and she is going to see about getting on our in-network list of therapists with our insurance. This will help SOOOO MUCH. So, we could possibly have been able to do T and group at the same time. I guess in the long run this will be better as we will be able to catch up on our account with T as well as do some consistent work with her while group is out. Just going to miss interacting with others like us in 3D life very much.

We have really missed being here at Myriad Musings and being able to interact with fellow DIDers and other bloggers. Our system went through a time when we were not getting online much at all and definitely didn’t blog. I am glad to say that time has passed. We are back! An update on my dad, he has finished his radiation treatment and soon will complete the chemo and will have another pet scan to see how the treatments have been working. We are hoping and praying for the best. Will keep all posted.

Our job will be competed for the summer next Friday. Friday!! Fridayyyy!!! I can’t wait! We already have plans to hit happy hour next Thursday and Friday with friends and coworkers. Woohoo!! Time to celebrate!! It’s been a long and tough year. We are already making plans on what color to dye the hair. We’re thinking about dying the tips of the hair bright pink. Other than that, not sure  :)  We are wanting punk wild colors!!  :)  Will see what the system compromises on though, later on  :)

Well, my friends, this is us signing off for now. Will see you again very soon!

Multiple Ramblings after a very stressful week

It is strange how life goes on after a loved one dies. I used to think that if someone very close to me dies that the world would come to a standstill and there would be a whole lot of nothingness. This whole experience to me is odd in that my husband’s father passes away, we mourn, we bury him, and now we are supposed to continue on with our lives as we did before. It just doesn’t seem right. I don’t know how my husband, his siblings, or his mother are doing it. I have a difficult time with it and he wasn’t my biological father.

I worry about the day when I get the awful news that my father is gone. I hope it is a long way away and not something I will need to worry about for a good long while. Still, he is very sick. I hope and pray that this cancer will shrink and go into remission and that I will have him around for a good while longer. I feel guilty because I live so far away from him. I miss him terribly, but I cannot live in the area where the family lives. There are too many triggers there. It causes my system to get stirred up and I feel so detached as others in the system take over. I mean, don’t get me wrong, that still happens where I live now, but I am more coconscious, I guess, with those who are around most of the time where I live now. Being in the area where the family lives, brings others in the system out who I am not as coconscious with. It is disturbing. I feel guilty that I don’t live near dad and that I haven’t been up to visit very often. I cried about this to a good friend a few weeks ago to which she brought up a good point. She asked me how many times did he come to visit me in the 10 years that I have lived here? I said, “none’”. She said, “Exactly.” He could have come and seen me just as much as I could’ve gone to see him and at least I did make trips up there when I was financially able to. I am actually paraphrasing as I can’t remember the exact wording, but that was the gist.

A coworker has been acting odd the past two weeks at work. I know that when I am not there and am unable to get a sub (I work in a school setting), that it makes her job harder as she has to cover one of my classes on her planning period. It would be the same if she were out and unable to get a sub, I would cover for her.  Our team works well together, or at least used to until this person seems to have gotten a bug up her butt about something. I talk about it this way because it helps to be angry about it and distanced rather than distressed and guilt-ridden about something that I cannot do anything about. It is what it is. I am coming to really like that saying because it fits everything lately so well. Anyway, I know that she is upset with me about SOMEthing because every time it is just her and me in our office, she doesn’t speak to me. This is unlike her as all school year she has welcomed the opportunity to sit and chat and/or talk about work related things. She is also more easily offended lately. I talked about this with my friend and coworker, Ga, that also works with her,  and she has noticed the difference. This helps me to know that it isn’t just my perception of things due to all that I have been going through. I told my friend Ga that I just don’t have the energy to worry or fret over this. It does bother me, but I have so much bigger things in my life to give that energy to. She agreed that it does little good to worry about what is bothering the other coworker. We both wish she would just come out and talk about it, although if it is something we cannot change like the work situation when one of us it absent, then there will be nothing we can do. Perhaps this is why she doesn’t talk about it. ::sighs::  I just don’t know.

I did notice that we are handling this differently than we have in the past with folks at work. Before, we would take ALL blame and responsibility for someone else’s feelings whether it was justified or not and would try to talk to them and apologize for “whatever” I did that upset them. I think it is progress that I am not doing that this time. I recognize that I have not done anything knowingly, at least, to offend her and have no reason to grovel. I am not responsible for her feelings even though her feelings affect the way she acts around me and I end up feeling quite uncomfortable. That part sucks, but honestly, I don’t think there is anything I can do about it, right? I have way to much happening in my life for additional drama. I also told my friend Ga that “I am out of the people pleasing business. I was in it for years and went (emotionally) bankrupt. It is so not worth it.” She totally agreed. When I shared this with the other coworker, she seemed disturbed by it and said that she wouldn’t go to the other extreme. I explained to her that of course I believe in being fair in all things as long as fairness is possible, but I am not going to stress over other people’s happiness to the extreme that I feel responsible for it. Actually that isn’t exactly what I said to her. What I just wrote sounds better than what I said to her. Wish I’d have thought of that line sooner. lol! Doesn’t it always happen that you think of a better thing to say or comeback after the fact? Oh well.  <smiles>

We took kids on a field trip last week to see a fine arts performance. There were middle school and high school aged kids filing into the auditorium. It felt surreal to me as I watched the high school kids file in. I noticed one girl the way she walked and the fitted dress she wore, kind of proper in a way….the style about her and her clothes reminded me of me at that age. Then, I looked over to the right and saw a girl wearing a light sunny type dress with a full skirt and a flower in her hair who was flitting about and giving someone a hug. I thought to myself that girl reminds me of me, too. Their styles and personalities were so different. I was glad that I was aware of my system of alters so that I didn’t get too confused over this. Then, I started to wonder which one of us each of these girls reminded me of.  I definitely know them well, but I am not sure who they are, at least the first one. The second girl could be Christie who I came to know after college. It is quite possible that she was around in high school and I just didn’t realize it. There was a lot of division amongst my parts in high school and different parts having different times out. Different groups of me had different groups of friends in high school. I remember one summer at church camp there was a girl who one day I noticed was hanging around me. We are still friends to this day, but I have no memory of us actually meeting and becoming friends. Ironically, she has a sister who also has DID and was diagnosed after I was, but as far as I know my friend does not accept it. Back in the day, I tried to talk to her some about the diagnosis and what it all meant, but didn’t get very far. So, sadly, she is not one with whom I can safely share this information about myself while maintaining the friendship. It is okay, though. I have many precious friends with whom I am able to share all of myselves (or a great many of mes) with.

As you can see, there is so much going through my mind lately and sticking to one subject in this post was just not possible. This is the life I live. It is what it is.

Session Tonight

I wish I could say that we were able to talk about the transference and our journey since the triggers in group over a month ago tonight. Truth is, once we got there we found it difficult to remember to breathe and were spaced a lot. It wasn’t a triggered out spacing out but just not able to ground and focus. Parts occasionally wanted to talk and did, but other parts who wanted to talk were too scared to. We feel awkward around the T that we have transference with………….  :(    We did miss the group members very much, though.

Group is tonight

We have Group tonight for the first time in a month. It will be the first time we will be there after the T knows we are having transference with her and the aunt. We feel somewhat distanced from that, though, as of right now which is probably because we missed the last group and so it’s been one month since we’ve seen them. Anyway, be thinking of us and we will write after Group to let everyone know how it goes and if we were brave enough to talk about the transference and stuff in Group.

Terror: another layer of memory

I am placing a TRIGGER WARNING here. While there are no details of a specific memory, there is talk of strong emotion/sensation relating to abuse. Only read if you are feeling safe and able to. Thanks.

If you’ve been reading our blog, then you know we have been having many symbolic dreams lately. It seems a layer of memory(ies) is trying to break through. I dreamt that I was a very small child lying on a bed curled up in the fetal position sleeping. I felt this impending terror. I KNEW something was coming and then whatever it was – this invisible force – pulled me off the bed and downwards. I woke crying out, terrified. I feel like it is connected to a memory and it doesn’t surprise me that the person who took me from the bed was invisible. I am sure it means that the system knows we are not ready for that much information at once. Thing is, I have several memories where I have the knowledge of what happened but nothing else, and in none of those was I taken from the bed. This kinda scares me even though I have always known there was more that I hadn’t retained the knowledge of.

I have the recent and then the recurring dreams where terror is the main element. The terror is, to no surprise, connected to the beds and also to certain rooms in buildings or houses. In the recurring dreams of the house that was “haunted”, I was terrified to go to certain parts of the house, in particularly one entire floor. In part, I believe that the dreams are symbolic of how I relate to the memories. Like how I would try to make myself climb the stairs to the “haunted floor”, terror would build the higher I would climb until I would be so terrified that I would turn and run back downstairs. I also, obviously, recognize the terror as a layer of memory that is very real and was experienced at one time in my life on a daily basis.

Another possibility that I am aware of is that the house in the recurring dream may be a part of our internal world. Maybe a house where memories are stored. This is something that I am not positive of, but it feels quite possible.

The BASK Model of Dissociation

Memories can come in layers as I am coming to learn all too well. I used to think that as the alters felt I was ready, they would share the memories in chunks or events as many as was needed for me to fully recover. Now, I’m seeing it’s not nearly that simple. I always knew that we were fragmented to the degree that the emotions were separated into different alters. What I didn’t realize fully was that emotions from each event can be stored in certain alters. As well as body sensations that come forward in the form of body memories that we get all too often and don’t know what they are connected to. In my most recent session with T, we were reminded of the BASK model of dissociation. BASK stands for Behavior, Affect, Sensation, and Knowledge. So, memories can be dissociated into those categories:

• Behavior: the actions that occurred/what happened
• Affect: The emotions associated with the event
• Sensation: the sensations that the body feels/body memories
• Knowledge: the meaning

I have some memories that are of the Behavior/Actions. I can rattle them off to my T one by one as if it were me talking about someone else. I guess, in many ways it is someone else. Then, I have been having sensation/body memories for years. Those suck because you FEEL the things that the body felt during a particular memory, but you have no freaking idea what happened. I have had the Affect part of it, too, as in my emotions have always been like a roller coaster ride. I would cry at the drop of a hat, or get angry – much more angry than whatever the current event called for, and fear – so much fear about everything. All the feelings are coming from parts of my system that were created to hold them. And lately, terror has begun to surface on a more real level for me. I will blog about another recent dream I had tomorrow. Until then, stay tuned. . . .

Frankie & Alice: NEW movie on DID!!

Hey, have you heard? Halle Berry stars as a woman who has DID in the 70′s (so I imagine it was called MPD or something else back then). It is based on a true story of a woman’s life. The woman is still alive today and living a functional life with her alters, has a family, and is a teacher. We think it will be really good! Currently it is showing in theaters in LA and New York, but will be out everywhere else in February 2011!! We can’t wait! Finally a movie where the DID person isn’t a murderer or something terrible, huh?

Nightmares and More Symbolism

I apologize for not writing lately. We had a couple of really good days in the last week. The rest of it was either struggling with emotions just under the surface, nightmares, or oh yeah dropping something really heavy onto my foot. Went to the ER and it’s not broken, just badly bruised and swollen.

Before writing about the recent nightmares, I should update about the Group. My sister was able to come through town to see me but could only stay for a few hours. And yes it just so happened to occur at the exact time that my Group was. So, I had to miss it which was probably a relief to some of our parts, but many of us were quite disappointed cuz we wanted to work through the transference issues and all so we could move forward. Still, the visit with our sister was very much needed as we had been feeling very depressed. I only see her maybe once a year and the rest of the family I see even less. So, it was a very, very nice visit.

The past few nights have been especially bad with the nightmares. One that just recently came to mind was of being in a haunted house of sorts. I was in my Aunt M’s house and in it, all of her furniture (the beds mostly) were “haunted”. It’s interesting as I type this out and see the symbolism. I would try to sleep but was so afraid of the “ghosts” that were going to come and get me. I would try sleeping in a different bed, but the same unseen source of terror was there. I woke several times during the night terrified, unable to recognize where I was or how old I was. In the dream, Aunt M’s house was large and had a lot of old furniture in it. Everything seemed to loom over my small frame.

I have had dreams many times in the past of haunted houses. One that has been a recurring dream over the years is about this house that was several stories high. The top floor was always riddled with spirits of the unkind variety. I would try to go up there (in these dreams I am an adult……most of the time) because my best friend and I had just moved in and I wanted to make use of all the space. Often times I wouldn’t even make it all the way up the stairs before terror would grip me and I would run back down again often times screaming. Sometimes, I would make it to that top floor. I remember once that it was mostly bedrooms on that floor. I remember vaguely something about a fancy red blanket on one of the beds. It’s one of the shades of red that are triggering to me. The whole room actually now that I think about it had shades of red in it. Another time I had this dream and I made it all the way to the top floor, it was mostly dark and I couldn’t see anything, but I could FEEL all the sheer blinding terror. I ran back down the stairs swearing that I would not ever use the top floor of the house.

It still amazes me as I finally bring myself to write about something that to me seemed to be quite scary but “surely didn’t mean anything” only to realize that it was full of symbolism. The symbolism of the childhood and what those beds really were “haunted” with were the bad things that the bad people did to me/us there.

A Natural at Reading Faces

We were watching Lie to Me the other day and the end of this episode really jumped out at me. I wanted to share my thoughts on it.

Lie To Me  Season 1 Episode 5 “Unchained”

Lightman: When someone bashes you around who’s twice your size just whenever he feels like it, you learn to read emotions pretty fast. We adapt to survive. Your abuse made you a natural. He made you what you are.

Torres: Well, I’ll be sure to thank him.

This case in this episode was difficult for Torres because they were dealing with a violent criminal to see if he had changed from his violent ways. Torres had a history of violent abuse so this was especially a tough one for her. I liked what Lightman says to her in the end of the episode.

Lightman: When someone bashes you around who’s twice your size just whenever he feels like it, you learn to read emotions pretty fast. We adapt to survive. Your abuse made you a natural. He made you what you are.”

She is referred to as a natural at reading faces and expressions. I have always believed that those of us who have been through traumas as those with DID have, we learn very early on how to anticipate our abusers next move based on facial expressions among other things. We also learn to “predict” what is going on based on the energy in the room or surrounding an individual. Imagine going to a concert or to a dance club. Upon entering you can feel all that upbeat energy and you know people (most people) are having a really good time. Now imagine entering a home of someone who just lost a loved one. Still feel energy, just this time it is one of sadness and grief. Those of us who have gone through traumatic childhoods especially from a very early age are that much more in tune to the energies surrounding someone.

My best friend used to get annoyed because I could tell what was going on with her even without her saying anything about it to me. I could see it in her face and if she was hiding it well enough, I could still FEEL it in the air around her. It kind of makes me smile when on the show Lie to Me people get irritated at being read so well because I remember my friend and how much it annoyed her. I didn’t do it on purpose, it was just a naturally acquired gift on my part. It was important for our survival living in a family where you didn’t know when or where the next blow or advance was going to come. The need to be hyper-vigilant and hypersensitive to our surroundings was imperative.

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